Ang sakit sa mata

It's a pain to read the posts on my blog 'coz of the color contrast and deliberately, I made it as one of the challenges.

Kung sino lang talaga ang nasa trip magbasa o di kaya alam yung trick, sya lang makakabasa. ^_^

Moving On

Hey,

Today I'm gonna write you an on-a-whim post, and guess what: It's supposed to be uplifting.

I've realized that life really goes this way. So future me, thank me for slowly getting my shit together. You would be ashamed. *insert one-side-cheek smile* (forgot the term)

I'm still kinda a mess, I admit. But it's getting better. I'm doing better. I refuse to let this beat me. I've got too big of dreams that I can't afford to lose sight of things again.

As of now, the worst thing inside me that keeps on trying to devour me is my feeling of 'no emotions' - If anybody who'd read this feels the same, I'd be glad. I wouldn't be alone emotionless.

It confuses me as to when should I feel ashamed, pissed off, happy: I'm always empty and near sad. One nudge and I'll be off my ground.

In the least, it's not that grueling to live, I'm regaining memories of .my life's purpose - and to anyone who would read this,  I'm telling you, you've got your own.

Btw, I've overslept again. I think it's a facebook page's fault for feeding me with depression things - like, people with depression tend to sleep a lot. Well hell yeah, I feel depressed enough and I oversleep before reading that but it has worsen the case, thank you.

Geez, I am making my way through production - that's the only way to keep your head outta bad stuff I swear.

That's all.

With love,
A.

Yesterday's Thoughts

Love

If we don’t get hurt, we will never know that the assurance of getting loved back and getting hurt diverges to a world where things always fall into ruin. And where could we find “love” in those ruins? Nowhere.

A heart of scratches and bruises is an experienced heart. A heart that gives without looking back to seek being given, is a heart that learned what love really means.

But is it wrong to assert one’s importance? As people, that was deemed necessary for self-actualization: to be made special and loved.

What if the person you chose to love, despite the whole world telling you not to, always fails you?

I will never think about salvation. What can it do in a world where chaos are flowers and my mind a garden?

You are always a destruction: a whirlwind of thoughts I never thought would circle around my soul.

You have set me free. But who would’ve thought freedom hurts? The chains might’ve gone too fit for my soul that when you untangled these shackles, I began feeling the swelling engraving red and sore like dusk on my skin ready for another round of darkness.

I chose the dark, I fell in love with it, not at first, but eventually. I’ve seen many souls laughing in chorus about the mundane that steps the level up a little to catch their attention. I’ve thought about how wondrous it would be to partake in such splendor. But I belong where I belong, and it is not there.

Eventually, every “hi” would end with a “goodbye”. It would always be better to have a hole in your heart where you can gradually flush out the temporary.

When I love, I love with all my heart. It was never a good thing. And it sucks, that no one was able to love as I do.

I was a bell in love’s front door

That anyone who steps at the welcome mat leaves me hidden silver strings

They leave but the strings don’t

10 Things

10 Things You Must Do In Your 20’s

 1. Travel alone. Have time to be away from everything. Rediscover your purpose in life by going to places you’ve never been before. Explore new things, experience different cultures, learn new languages and meet different people. Replenish your soul with excitement and exploration. It will create many opportunities for you, and room for improvement and personal growth. Traveling alone will teach you how to become independent and confident.

 2. Look for your true self. This is the perfect time to make your passion your profession. Chase your dreams; follow where your heart wants to go. Do things that make you feel happy. Never settle for good enough, be the best version of yourself. Look for your purpose. Along the way, you will discover things that will clearly define you as a person. Embrace this. And let success flow; everything else will follow.

 3. Cut the clutter. Choose and keep the right people in your life. Associate with people who you want to be like. You’re not going to imitate them; you will learn from them, grow from them, and discover your true voice. These kinds of people will bring cheerfulness; they will motivate you and remind you that you’re on the right track. Creating a positive environment around you attracts success and it makes your vision clearer. It also creates a healing space that fosters growth that opens a door for opportunity. Everything will become lighter because positivity brings happiness. So never waste a space in your life for a negative vibe.

 4. Don’t be afraid to take risks. If you’re tired of where you are right now, reevaluate your situation. Are you just working to live and survive another day or you want something you will never get tired of doing because you love it? Learn to weigh things around you. Pursue what makes you happy. Risk, in order to see the things on the other side of the bridge. Be brave enough to quit and start anew. Don’t be afraid to stop doing the things that don’t serve your path. Risking redefines your thought processes and it optimizes opportunities. So never be afraid to risk because some of the greatest adventures in your life will come from things you never realized were possible. 

5. Balance your personal and professional life. We only have a 24 hour time period every day, so make every second count. Never waste a moment being unproductive. Master the art of time management. Have time for yourself, to have fun and enjoy things in life. Have time for your family; spend precious moments with people you love. And have time for your professional growth. You have to spend your days wisely. 

6. Be grateful. Make it a habit of saying “thank you” to people when they do something for you. You don’t know what kind of storm they are experiencing, so become their rainbow. Share your kindest smile. Appreciate them. It looks like a small effort from you, but for them, it completes their day. Never keep positivity within you, share it with everyone you meet.

7. Do something different and crazy. Sometimes, being normal is boring and redundant. You need to stretch out of your comfort zone. Jump, even if you don’t know what lies beyond. Put excitement in your life that you can look back on and laugh hard when you become old. 

8. Become someone’s happy pill. Drink a shot of happiness every day because the brain works best when you are happy. 

9. Renew your faith. Being an adult means a lot of work and stress. Sometimes, you will lose time and balance for everything, including your personal relationship with God. When things don’t go the way we want to or when all hopes are gone, everything seems to drift away. We keep on questioning and doubting God’s plans for us. Switch it over into praise. Use the situation to rebuild your relationship with Him. God wants you to communicate. The reason why He takes something away from you is because He wants you to discover greater things in store. The best way to renew your faith is to surround yourself with God. Pray a lot. 

10. Accept the fact that the world is filled with hard times. Quit complaining. Do not think about things you cannot change. Focus your attention on things you can act upon. Reward yourself when you have done something great. In order to become successful, you must embrace change and motivate yourself. Remember, people won’t love you just because you love them. Think before you commit. Don’t let your thoughts run in your tongue.



I got this somewhere. It's beautiful and a must.

Ladder

I would have to post this for future reference. As anyone who knows me on the surface can see, I'm still fucked as a little cat as of now. And that, would never be a good thing. It can be, only in disguise. But I need more than every single bit of sanity I can muster to reach for the gold on the mud I'm slithering upon.

Here, I will discuss about the breadcrumbs I'm leaving the future me-like creatures who would find themselves stuck in the physical them, to which they'd feel they do not belong to, nor to this world. (I can't be the only one.)

As for me, yeah, reconstructing the bridges I burned would help the burning my chest feels. That's the first step. And if I trip upon my bridge steps, then I'd be back to square one. This isn't easy, and I don't have even a nano second to waste. This is grueling at all 360 angles, and I could fall with just a small nudge. I don't have any emotional foundation right now, and everyone is fake. I can't trust a stage I play a protagonist at.

Fix the social ties, live as a social being, while you reclaim the throne that is your own body. Way to go, me.

I'd update this blog upon the next stages of my 'development'.

PS.
self-proclaimed relapse date: August 9, 2017

I'm crawling my way outta this predicament. I'm a bit more okay than yesterday.

Unstable

How do I explain to anyone how dump messed up I am ? That sometimes, words, mere words leave me impulsive, screwing my whole day I've worked so hard to play straight? It's just too hard to make anyone believe about what you're suffering, if it's just a mental disorder, an illusion. But what could I do? I'm trying to shake it off, I'm telling you. It's obstructive, it's delusional, it feels so powerful it'll leave you powerless, stripping you off of everything. Yeah, they might just be words, but haven't I told you that I'm still unstable and you should at least be cautious and wide conscious about what you say in front of me? That one sentence, one word can send me into an endless paranoia subway.

Corny Spoken Words

Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan

Isang siklo nanaman ng damdaming ‘di ko matalikuran

Alam ko, alam kong ito’y pawang katangahan,

Ngunit kahit sinong magmahal , lulubog sa putik ng kahunghangan

Hindi ko alam kung bakit laging sariwa itong nakaraan

Na sa bawat patak ng ating mga alaala sa bote ng isipan ay siya ring patak

Patak nitong luhang nananakmal ng aking puso para sa kalayaan

 Ano nga bang mas masakit, yung di mo siya nakikita, o hawak mong mga kamay nya

Ngunit wangis mo sa kanyang mata’y yaong taong mahal nya?

Hindi kasi ako yung tipong sa  pag ibig basta naniniwala

Madalas sapat na bawat nakaw na sulyap o maiikling salita

‘Yung mismong konsepto,para sakin, masyadong mahalaga

 Ngunit alam mo, yong lahat nang yon, nung dumating ka’y nasira

“Hindi” na ang sagot ko sa isipan nung sinabi mong manunuyo ka

Hindi na kasi una pa lang, alam kong sya na

Hindi na kasi, napansin mo lang ako, dahil may hawig kaming dalawa

Hindi na, ngunit noon ayokong manakit ng iba

Sa ganito naman nagsisimula lahat, di ba?

Sa dalas ng chat, text, usap, na minsan kundi madalas, tungkol sa kanya

Sa mga tawag na nagiging bulungan pagkat madaling araw na

Sa damdaming tila yelong nabuo, sa init ng mga tinurang salita

Siguro sa bawat sabi mong “mahal kita”, imbis sakin, sa kanya ka nakatingin?

Siguro, dahil magkamukha kami, sa’kin nabaling, di mo nasukliang damdamin

Siguro, langit siya, lupa ako,gaya nga ng sabi mo’y mas madali ako abutin

Siguro nga sa kabila ng pangmamaliit, pambabalewala, “Mahal na kita” ang gusto kong sabihin

Naranasan kong lamunin ng bawat titig mo

Naranasan kong lunurin ng papuri’t pangakong kulay panloloko

Naranasan kong lumigaya habang puso’y nagdurugo

Naranasan kong lumukso at umibig ang puso nang totoo, para sa pinakamaling tao

Aishiyu

7/25/17

Today, I’ve watched ‘Kita Kita’ with a friend. I wanted to write something formal but you know I can’t, dear me. I just wanted you to get immersed in reminiscence with me, rewinding and grinding each bit of the movie in depth.

You know I hate Filipino things in general, don’t you. Hell, this is a kind of a step towards maturity (really huh), finally agreeing to see things I regarded as “shitty” before even taking a mili-second look at them.

Kita Kita was an okay movie, no doubt. The concept and plot isn’t like most of the romcoms the shitty industry gives birth to (Sorry for the word). It isn’t all about the denoument entangling conflicts magically to achieve a happy ending. This movie is a tear-jerker, you’ll get your sad-tears and happy-tears mixed. But hey, I laughed so much (kinda embarrassing ‘cause I’m watching with someone), some scenes are apparently unintentional, that made it more hilarious (nice job, director-san! ~ )

The transitions (from one scene to the next but not the animation lols) and unraveling of truth latter part of the movie, however, had some lapses I would like to take note of (read at your own risk if you haven’t watched the movie yet). Some points weren’t explained and the audience would have to guess for themselves what the reason behind this character’s actions was. Take Lea for example. I know she’s kind and all, but when she regularly brought these cabbages for the broken hearted Tonyo, it didn’t emphasize that much why she did it. As a part of the audience, I would want to know surely what the writer’s Lea feels, thinks about, her past, among others. Much to my convenience, which is kinda vexing, was that it wasn’t portrayed in depth, but that would mean the aspiring writer in me would be able to create my Lea. (But geez, I wanted the writer’s Lea).

Talking about the movie’s figurative side (which is cute, really), I loved that dramatic count to ten (I’m not alone in that one, eh?). I love that this movie portrays love that literally is blind, love that exalts self-sacrifice, regardless of the fruit, love that knows no time (Oh yea but still I know 2 weeks is swift, but haven’t it been a year or more for Tonyo anyway? :) ), love that resides in destiny (tho personally I don’t believe in this). In defense to Lea for being speedy, I know what a broken heart feels. It’s desperate for mending.

Oh, and I love the place! (lol) I’m a Japan-everything hailer af (LOLer) – this is the main reason why I decided to watch this instead of the action movie I was taking a peek at. Sapporo is just beautiful. Japan’s culture, their way of conversations, the “bell of happiness” (if I’m not mistaken), their elegantly-structured neatly landscaped places and their heavenly gardens would take your breath away. Their long, long roads that would entice you to bike or walk your way leisurely would really feed your eyes with fascination. I love their fancy costumes, their part-time jobs I wished I could do lol. I love how broken Lea and Tonyo’s Japanese accents were (HAHAHA sorry) as compared to the natives (weeaboo me lol ). I loved how you can easily approach Japanese people (Am I exaggerating? Tell me, am I? lol), as seen in the set of frames where Tonyo asked a total stranger, an old woman, to deliver his message to Lea. That seemed truly Japan-ish to me.

All in all, the movie is quite relatable esp. to people who are having trouble finding out what love really is (Is it me, or Japan really is one of the best places to fall in love with someone?) This is about 1/100000 of the thoughts I wished to fill this page with, but thoughts can’t be jotted down a hundred percent accurately, I’m afraid.

Regards, A.

I don't know where to start but

I don’t know where to start, but

(Explicit)

Seems like my 20 year-old self had left breadcrumbs in my forest (Now I’m owning it lol). 

Oh, haven’t you noticed? This is my ‘20^th birthday’ post. I’ve been kinda (or not just kinda) fucked up (Oh surely I’ve been) for the past months. No one knows of the reasons (it’s a shitlot of reasons) and I don’t intend to disclose the fucking ultimately sealed whatevers in this post. I would just want to share whatever my fingers would want to relay to anyone and especially to me (in case I forget this) for this day has been crucial to my fucking resurrection. Lol! I’ve been so dead for the past months (this is redundant), whatever whoever did to me did nothing to alleviate the problem even I don’t know (so don’t blame them, self).

Anyway, for those who have lost their way and who have stumbled upon this ramble, do you want me to put into words the instructions on how to exit this site?

Anyway, for the second time, and to continue musing, today, I’ve lost:

1.       Trust (Ooh, didn’t have this in the first place)

2.       The keyboard gift (My selfish self hates this loss, but whatever)

3.       Vikings (is this even a loss.)

Today, I’ve gained:
1. A high score ,since my depression engulfed me,  on my ‘happiness meter’ (-2                                                0%, dudes! The normal’s -50)

2. Me (Ooh welcome back bitch)

Having lost myself inside a fucking canopy-filled forest have made me lose everything in me. And in that process, I’ve died alone, lost my place, my friends.

If I haven’t fought for my happiness for the first time, I would not grow. Yeah, I lost my keyboard, which I was really looking forward to, but what would a keyboard do to a depression-eaten child who cries about everything? (The materialistic me is not convinced about this reason) This is what “Treating myself right” is about. And oh, this should be the last time I would lie about it.

                I might tell you vaguely why I tell lies (When I say lies they’re twisted truths, but still, it’s not completely made up.)    Next post, maybe.

I’ve too many to subtly tell you. Next time, maybe. :)

(Oh hey, me. Just a reminder. Please, if you’re gonna tell a reason, think, say it, make a story. Fast. Not “pauwi na”)

                It’s time to make my own decisions.

With love,

20 year-old me.

Jeepney Annecdote

I've always liked the front seat. Near the driver, yeah.

I would always look at their side mirror as if it was mine, making faces and acting like anything but normal, looking at the other passengers. It was like my throne.

What pisses me off to high heavens, though, is that time when every seat's taken, and, since I'm alone and that seat can hold up two people, the next person the driver would let in the vehicle, would end my reign. (Well, some people really want that front space even with the back seats not taken)

Have you ever had someone trying to sit with you already on that front seat, like, "wtf we won't fit" but you two would fit, obstructing your view of the mirror, leaving you too close to the driver, having his breaks hit you sometimes. And your senses' alertness would skyrocket, fidgeting too much inside while trying to maintain your calm demeanor on the outside. The stranger, as if answering your prayer, would hand his payment to the driver. THAT IS THE MOMENT. THAT'S WHEN YOU'D KNOW WHEN THIS UNKNOWN CREATURE WOULD LEAVE YOU ALONE ON YOUR THRONE.

But the worst disappointment most of the time is him/her revealing a longer road-time than you. Like, hell yeah, enjoy the constricted sitting position the rest of your trip. Hooray.

“Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss...." He turned to me. "But every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare.”

Flipped.

Drastic, Hasty, No-Amend

An Informal Review: The Fault in Our Stars

This serves as a review (it doesn't seem like one, tho) after I have reached the last page of the book TFIOS (including the acknowledgements,etc.) And no, to hell with formatting. And mind you not to mind the curse words, I'm having fun here, humans.

(P.S. I'm writing this to remind my future self that I've read this book, and I have these insights about Mr. Green's work.)

Title: (I've stated it above, if you haven't noticed.)

Author: The Mr. Peter Van Houten of my life - Mr. John Green (What was that "I do" all about?! kiddin.)

Starting with the literary structure of The Fault (this will be how I will address the book to this post's latter part) to which I admittedly state my lack of technical knowledge about, I am glad to announce that it has played its part well to keep my interest. How John Green has disassociated himself from Hazel, making me believe that Hazel is an independent entity, how her thoughts about her disease and the world and people and all seemed real to me, and it was the story was just flashing in me, frame by frame, still. It was amazing, and I can't put it into words (was that just in me or are you really a manifestation of magic, Mr. Green?)

Reading this book took a deal of courage, I borrowed it from a friend but it really took me a while to actually read it (bc of busy sched and bc of the genre). I really am not fond of getting more depressed deliberately because life is playing that role all too well for me. But it was worth it. Not only was Mr. Peter an asshole, and Oranjee moments took me far from reality than I have expected: I can totally picture Gus and Hazel together, that night. It was spectacular, as if I was there. Thank you, mr. Green, but this book was a kind of diversion from what I read (Sci-Fis,action, etc., lol, I hate dull parts, and these genres do not, often times, exhibit dull moments.), and I liked that diversion.

If I were to compare the experience this book has left me, it would be a climb to a steep mountain, a few minutes of stay to eye the view, and a down slide, falling at a quite fast pace whilst expecting the pain upon reaching the bottom. God, I was expecting a sad ending but Amsterdam had made me quite complacent about them, and I have suspected ... (not giving you further spoilers.) , but still, I was speechless.

Fin.

Today

"I do not know which to prefer
The beauty of inflections,
Or the beauty of innuendos,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after."
~

For Starters

I passed by a photobooth for a 10th anniversary celebration or something. Of course, the crazy me was the first customer. Hell I hate taking photos and I still feel a li'l embarrassed about the whole ordeal, but I tried my best to turn this 'ordeal' into something 'surreal' and fun. Here's the proof, I'm still a bit awkward and all but I had fun.

PS. For I don't know whose sake, I've concealed the company name.




-Potatomatorpedo.

Overpowering Depression

So, from this post on, I will be recording the things I will do to overcome my self declared "Depression". I wouldn't tell you though, but I have a lot to serve as reasons why I already consider myself depressed, which isn't a good thing, and I'd be so glad if I'm just faking this.
Anyway, this whole thing was inspired by my contemporary (she's even younger than me) who listened to me, and I, without any knowledge about the things she's facing, was almost considering her life perfect (I WANTED TO PUNCH MYSELF WITH REGARDS TO THIS STUPIDITY.)
...
to be continued.

PS. I want this blog to be more personal and so, I am warning you, more personal photos would be posted, for the sake of memories.

With love,
Akane.

Falsehood

“He’s a dissembler.” I muttered in a nonchalant fashion, looking rather weary.

“Facing the whole world, his visage sprinkled with false embroidery of euphoria.”

“We hate each other. He and I. But what else can play a better role than a make-believe of love bestowed to your greatest enemy?”