Ladder

I would have to post this for future reference. As anyone who knows me on the surface can see, I'm still fucked as a little cat as of now. And that, would never be a good thing. It can be, only in disguise. But I need more than every single bit of sanity I can muster to reach for the gold on the mud I'm slithering upon.

Here, I will discuss about the breadcrumbs I'm leaving the future me-like creatures who would find themselves stuck in the physical them, to which they'd feel they do not belong to, nor to this world. (I can't be the only one.)

As for me, yeah, reconstructing the bridges I burned would help the burning my chest feels. That's the first step. And if I trip upon my bridge steps, then I'd be back to square one. This isn't easy, and I don't have even a nano second to waste. This is grueling at all 360 angles, and I could fall with just a small nudge. I don't have any emotional foundation right now, and everyone is fake. I can't trust a stage I play a protagonist at.

Fix the social ties, live as a social being, while you reclaim the throne that is your own body. Way to go, me.

I'd update this blog upon the next stages of my 'development'.

PS.
self-proclaimed relapse date: August 9, 2017

I'm crawling my way outta this predicament. I'm a bit more okay than yesterday.

Unstable

How do I explain to anyone how dump messed up I am ? That sometimes, words, mere words leave me impulsive, screwing my whole day I've worked so hard to play straight? It's just too hard to make anyone believe about what you're suffering, if it's just a mental disorder, an illusion. But what could I do? I'm trying to shake it off, I'm telling you. It's obstructive, it's delusional, it feels so powerful it'll leave you powerless, stripping you off of everything. Yeah, they might just be words, but haven't I told you that I'm still unstable and you should at least be cautious and wide conscious about what you say in front of me? That one sentence, one word can send me into an endless paranoia subway.

Corny Spoken Words

Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan

Isang siklo nanaman ng damdaming ‘di ko matalikuran

Alam ko, alam kong ito’y pawang katangahan,

Ngunit kahit sinong magmahal , lulubog sa putik ng kahunghangan

Hindi ko alam kung bakit laging sariwa itong nakaraan

Na sa bawat patak ng ating mga alaala sa bote ng isipan ay siya ring patak

Patak nitong luhang nananakmal ng aking puso para sa kalayaan

 Ano nga bang mas masakit, yung di mo siya nakikita, o hawak mong mga kamay nya

Ngunit wangis mo sa kanyang mata’y yaong taong mahal nya?

Hindi kasi ako yung tipong sa  pag ibig basta naniniwala

Madalas sapat na bawat nakaw na sulyap o maiikling salita

‘Yung mismong konsepto,para sakin, masyadong mahalaga

 Ngunit alam mo, yong lahat nang yon, nung dumating ka’y nasira

“Hindi” na ang sagot ko sa isipan nung sinabi mong manunuyo ka

Hindi na kasi una pa lang, alam kong sya na

Hindi na kasi, napansin mo lang ako, dahil may hawig kaming dalawa

Hindi na, ngunit noon ayokong manakit ng iba

Sa ganito naman nagsisimula lahat, di ba?

Sa dalas ng chat, text, usap, na minsan kundi madalas, tungkol sa kanya

Sa mga tawag na nagiging bulungan pagkat madaling araw na

Sa damdaming tila yelong nabuo, sa init ng mga tinurang salita

Siguro sa bawat sabi mong “mahal kita”, imbis sakin, sa kanya ka nakatingin?

Siguro, dahil magkamukha kami, sa’kin nabaling, di mo nasukliang damdamin

Siguro, langit siya, lupa ako,gaya nga ng sabi mo’y mas madali ako abutin

Siguro nga sa kabila ng pangmamaliit, pambabalewala, “Mahal na kita” ang gusto kong sabihin

Naranasan kong lamunin ng bawat titig mo

Naranasan kong lunurin ng papuri’t pangakong kulay panloloko

Naranasan kong lumigaya habang puso’y nagdurugo

Naranasan kong lumukso at umibig ang puso nang totoo, para sa pinakamaling tao

Aishiyu

7/25/17

Today, I’ve watched ‘Kita Kita’ with a friend. I wanted to write something formal but you know I can’t, dear me. I just wanted you to get immersed in reminiscence with me, rewinding and grinding each bit of the movie in depth.

You know I hate Filipino things in general, don’t you. Hell, this is a kind of a step towards maturity (really huh), finally agreeing to see things I regarded as “shitty” before even taking a mili-second look at them.

Kita Kita was an okay movie, no doubt. The concept and plot isn’t like most of the romcoms the shitty industry gives birth to (Sorry for the word). It isn’t all about the denoument entangling conflicts magically to achieve a happy ending. This movie is a tear-jerker, you’ll get your sad-tears and happy-tears mixed. But hey, I laughed so much (kinda embarrassing ‘cause I’m watching with someone), some scenes are apparently unintentional, that made it more hilarious (nice job, director-san! ~ )

The transitions (from one scene to the next but not the animation lols) and unraveling of truth latter part of the movie, however, had some lapses I would like to take note of (read at your own risk if you haven’t watched the movie yet). Some points weren’t explained and the audience would have to guess for themselves what the reason behind this character’s actions was. Take Lea for example. I know she’s kind and all, but when she regularly brought these cabbages for the broken hearted Tonyo, it didn’t emphasize that much why she did it. As a part of the audience, I would want to know surely what the writer’s Lea feels, thinks about, her past, among others. Much to my convenience, which is kinda vexing, was that it wasn’t portrayed in depth, but that would mean the aspiring writer in me would be able to create my Lea. (But geez, I wanted the writer’s Lea).

Talking about the movie’s figurative side (which is cute, really), I loved that dramatic count to ten (I’m not alone in that one, eh?). I love that this movie portrays love that literally is blind, love that exalts self-sacrifice, regardless of the fruit, love that knows no time (Oh yea but still I know 2 weeks is swift, but haven’t it been a year or more for Tonyo anyway? :) ), love that resides in destiny (tho personally I don’t believe in this). In defense to Lea for being speedy, I know what a broken heart feels. It’s desperate for mending.

Oh, and I love the place! (lol) I’m a Japan-everything hailer af (LOLer) – this is the main reason why I decided to watch this instead of the action movie I was taking a peek at. Sapporo is just beautiful. Japan’s culture, their way of conversations, the “bell of happiness” (if I’m not mistaken), their elegantly-structured neatly landscaped places and their heavenly gardens would take your breath away. Their long, long roads that would entice you to bike or walk your way leisurely would really feed your eyes with fascination. I love their fancy costumes, their part-time jobs I wished I could do lol. I love how broken Lea and Tonyo’s Japanese accents were (HAHAHA sorry) as compared to the natives (weeaboo me lol ). I loved how you can easily approach Japanese people (Am I exaggerating? Tell me, am I? lol), as seen in the set of frames where Tonyo asked a total stranger, an old woman, to deliver his message to Lea. That seemed truly Japan-ish to me.

All in all, the movie is quite relatable esp. to people who are having trouble finding out what love really is (Is it me, or Japan really is one of the best places to fall in love with someone?) This is about 1/100000 of the thoughts I wished to fill this page with, but thoughts can’t be jotted down a hundred percent accurately, I’m afraid.

Regards, A.

I don't know where to start but

I don’t know where to start, but

(Explicit)

Seems like my 20 year-old self had left breadcrumbs in my forest (Now I’m owning it lol). 

Oh, haven’t you noticed? This is my ‘20^th birthday’ post. I’ve been kinda (or not just kinda) fucked up (Oh surely I’ve been) for the past months. No one knows of the reasons (it’s a shitlot of reasons) and I don’t intend to disclose the fucking ultimately sealed whatevers in this post. I would just want to share whatever my fingers would want to relay to anyone and especially to me (in case I forget this) for this day has been crucial to my fucking resurrection. Lol! I’ve been so dead for the past months (this is redundant), whatever whoever did to me did nothing to alleviate the problem even I don’t know (so don’t blame them, self).

Anyway, for those who have lost their way and who have stumbled upon this ramble, do you want me to put into words the instructions on how to exit this site?

Anyway, for the second time, and to continue musing, today, I’ve lost:

1.       Trust (Ooh, didn’t have this in the first place)

2.       The keyboard gift (My selfish self hates this loss, but whatever)

3.       Vikings (is this even a loss.)

Today, I’ve gained:
1. A high score ,since my depression engulfed me,  on my ‘happiness meter’ (-2                                                0%, dudes! The normal’s -50)

2. Me (Ooh welcome back bitch)

Having lost myself inside a fucking canopy-filled forest have made me lose everything in me. And in that process, I’ve died alone, lost my place, my friends.

If I haven’t fought for my happiness for the first time, I would not grow. Yeah, I lost my keyboard, which I was really looking forward to, but what would a keyboard do to a depression-eaten child who cries about everything? (The materialistic me is not convinced about this reason) This is what “Treating myself right” is about. And oh, this should be the last time I would lie about it.

                I might tell you vaguely why I tell lies (When I say lies they’re twisted truths, but still, it’s not completely made up.)    Next post, maybe.

I’ve too many to subtly tell you. Next time, maybe. :)

(Oh hey, me. Just a reminder. Please, if you’re gonna tell a reason, think, say it, make a story. Fast. Not “pauwi na”)

                It’s time to make my own decisions.

With love,

20 year-old me.

Jeepney Annecdote

I've always liked the front seat. Near the driver, yeah.

I would always look at their side mirror as if it was mine, making faces and acting like anything but normal, looking at the other passengers. It was like my throne.

What pisses me off to high heavens, though, is that time when every seat's taken, and, since I'm alone and that seat can hold up two people, the next person the driver would let in the vehicle, would end my reign. (Well, some people really want that front space even with the back seats not taken)

Have you ever had someone trying to sit with you already on that front seat, like, "wtf we won't fit" but you two would fit, obstructing your view of the mirror, leaving you too close to the driver, having his breaks hit you sometimes. And your senses' alertness would skyrocket, fidgeting too much inside while trying to maintain your calm demeanor on the outside. The stranger, as if answering your prayer, would hand his payment to the driver. THAT IS THE MOMENT. THAT'S WHEN YOU'D KNOW WHEN THIS UNKNOWN CREATURE WOULD LEAVE YOU ALONE ON YOUR THRONE.

But the worst disappointment most of the time is him/her revealing a longer road-time than you. Like, hell yeah, enjoy the constricted sitting position the rest of your trip. Hooray.

“Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss...." He turned to me. "But every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare.”

Flipped.